Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
