LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
