Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
