i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
