OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
