OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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