oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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