You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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