I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
