Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
