dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
