I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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