i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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