maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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