omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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