remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
