More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
