You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
50% drunk capacity currently
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
