I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Drake has all the answers
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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