made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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