wat bout pragnant strippers??
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
