On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
