I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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