I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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