I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
