Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
