my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
