the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
