You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
