theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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