Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
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He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
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I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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