I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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