well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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