the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
