I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
