I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
