why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
