Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
