you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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