There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
