I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
