It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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