She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
