If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize