We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
