I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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