People in love make me want to vomit
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm getting married
To pizza
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
