Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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