I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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