i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
