Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
