Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
