If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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