You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Even my vagina gasped.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
