if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
