He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
