I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
