We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
