His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
