Cold hands, warm shart.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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