Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
