Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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