So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
