dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
