Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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