From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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